(2006-11-03) — With just days to go before national elections, Democrats in Congress today unveiled a comprehensive vision for America’s future, dubbed the ‘Contract with San Francisco.’

Presumptive House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, at a secret news conference in an undisclosed location, said, “This is a vision that springs from the heartland of the new America, and we intend to take these San Francisco values out to the Bible-belt, red-state fringes of the South and Midwest.”

“What’s good for San Francisco is good for the nation,” she said, “And it’s about time our country got back to the fundamentals which shaped a generation of trans-decent folks living here in America’s garter belt.”

Rep. Pelosi, who surfaced today thanks to an Amber Alert when a Starbucks barista recognized her face from a milk carton, said, “These ideas come from the down-home, spritzer-and-brie citizens who have built our postmodern culture on a rock-solid foundation of tolerance, diversity, flexible morality, self-esteem, hyphenated phrases and large grants from the National Endowment for the Arts.”

Rep. Pelosi did not distribute copies of the Contract with San Francisco to reporters.

“These ideas transcend the subjectivity of the printed word and cannot be captured on paper,” she said, “but they constitute a living document that dwells in the hearts of those who believe, and is continually refreshed to reflect the mood of the nation and desires of the individual.”