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| Celebrity Crap Squad Invades Malibu |
| 2006-10-10 |
| Wonder if Babs has heard about this? Malibu residents are in for a shock. State investigators will test sea water off Malibu and DNA check to see if the offending waste is human, and if so, a lot of Malibu residents will have the state of California environmental agencies up their bottoms checking to see who the offenders are. The sewage could really hit the fan. Who'd we piss off to get stuck on this detail, sarge? Quit whining, Muldoon. We get to deal with celebrities. Well, kinda... Under intense pressure from Southern California regulators, these forensic investigators will begin testing sea water. If DNA shows the fecal matter is from animals such as raccoons or coyotes, all will rest. Yeah...raccoons! that's the ticket! If not, and the results are human, they will follow Malibu Creek and Las Virgenes Creek that cut through neighborhoods in Malibu upwards toward Monte Nido and the Calabasas-Malibu divide, where celebrities such as David Geffen, Barbra Streisand, Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Pierce Brosnan and Ted Danson live. ..and I'll bet they'll all blame Bush. The AP reports that "where the tests show a concentration of human waste, inspectors will sleuth out the source. Though they will not request DNA samples from residents to match waste with its human source, they may ask a judge for authority to inspect tanks of property owners who bar them from taking samples." ...and don't you tip over that bucket, Streisand, or I'll make sure you do it all over again! The suspected culprit for all this stinking mess is believed to be Malibu homeowners' leaky and failing septic tanks. That's okay. They'll all blame their illegal Mexican gardeners. Malibu is home to many environmentally aware and active celebrities, including Madonna, Cher, Sting, Brian Grazer, and Tom Hanks. Malibu was incorporated in 1991 specifically to stop construction of a sewer line. The Los Angeles Times reported there were an estimated 2,400 septic tanks in this city of multimillion-dollar homes strung along 25 miles of coast. Okay, drop'em, Madonna. C'mon, it's not like you haven't done this a couple of thousand times before... "It is a big deal that the county is now saying, We're willing to go on to properties to see what the source of fecal contamination is,'" says Mark Gold, executive director of the local environmental group Heal the Bay to the AP. Open up! Shit Squad! We gotta warrant! Malibu resident and actress and PETA member Pamela Anderson thinks the real polluter is animal agriculture, such as chicken farms."When the results of these tests come back, I'll bet that once again we'll find that it's people's meat addiction, not their septic tanks, is causing this pollution," Anderson wrote in an e-mail. "The best thing any of us can do to fight pollution is to adopt a vegetarian diet." I've seen your videos, Pam baby. Looks like you can't get enough meat to me... If county officials find actual septic culprits, they will inform the Los Angeles Water Quality Board. The board could fine homeowners or require them to upgrade their systems at an estimated cost of $30,000. Ooooh, 30 grand. They probably spend that in a month on dog psychiatrists. Board president H. David Nahai says he is optimistic residents will comply with the investigation. "The very cachet of Malibu and the high property values they enjoy are dependent upon a clean ocean," he says. I don't think I've ever lived in a place that had "cachet". I feel so deprived... |
| Posted by:tu3031 |
| #1 Somehow I think of a septic tank cleaning company run by two guys named Richard called, "Two Dicks Pumping. You Dump it We Pump It". And yes, my Mom thinks I'm weird. |
| Posted by: Deacon Blues 2006-10-10 20:22 |