(2005-02-18) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin today offered to step in as an "honest broker" and prevent Iran from manufacturing nuclear weapons, in the wake of the failure of diplomatic attempts by several European nations and pressure from the United States.

Mr. Putin said today that Iran "does not intend to build nuclear weapons" because "it is much cheaper to buy them from our Cold War Factory Outlet. We've slashed prices on hundreds of classic Soviet nuclear delivery systems, with a variety of warhead configurations. Iran can buy now, and make no payments until January 2006. This will discourage them from developing their own nuke factories."

Brushing off talk of a Nobel Peace Prize, the former KGB chief said, "This is not a tribute to my global statesmanship. Our government has long employed diplomatic partnerships like this to defuse international tensions."