| Submit your comments on this article |
| WWN Uncovers North Korean Plan to Invade America! |
| 2003-05-16 |
| The dirty bastards! Thank God for vigilant media outlets like Weekly World News! PYONGYANG, North Korea -- Crafty communist dictator Kim Jong Il has concocted an audacious plan to conquer the United States of America -- in three phases -- without launching a single nuclear missile. And although the scheme may sound absurd, it's so crazy it just might work! "It's quiet out there. Yeah, too quiet." That is the chilling warning of a Japanese computer-science whiz who downloaded the detailed 42-page plan, complete with maps and timetables, after hacking into the North Korean spy agency -- known officially as the Liaison Bureau of the Korean Workers Party -- in early March. The University of Tokyo grad student says he decided to expose the plan in Weekly World News only after his efforts to reveal them to the White House were rebuffed and mainstream U.S. publications also ignored him. "President Bush is trying to keep the focus on Iraq, but the threat posed by North Korea is even greater," says the hacker, who identified himself only by his first name, Hiroshi, in an exclusive WWN interview. "Kim Jong Il is crazy like a fox. He knows that in a nuclear confrontation with the U.S., he'd be creamed. That's why he's going low-tech and attacking America by the last means anyone would expect -- with boats." Here, according to the hacker, is the bizarre North Korean scheme: So be ready! While U.S. troops are busy subduing Iraq, North Korea takes advantage of the situation by declaring that unless South Korea agrees to immediate reunification, it will launch a nuclear strike. Terrified refugees fearing a nuclear holocaust on the Korean peninsula flee in flimsy wooden sailboats known as junks. Thousands of boats, packed to capacity, converge on the Hawaiian Islands. For humanitarian reasons, the U.S. Navy stops trying to curtail the wave after the first hundred boatloads of ragged refugees. But the rest are packed with 800,000 well-armed North Korean troops who swarm out of the junks and seize control of Hawaii in a well-timed operation known as K-Day. Within a matter of hours, America is down to just 49 states and North Korea has its first colony. ...where they introduce "Pineapple Juche". Having "liberated the Hawaiian people from imperialist Western rule," Kim Jong Il is hailed as a hero throughout Southeast Asia, and an excited South Korea actually begs to rejoin the north, according to the plan. After warning that any attempt to retake Hawaii will result in the mass slaughter of all civilians, North Korea -- now just "Korea" -- arranges a cease-fire with the United States, which has no choice but to accept. Damn you, Kimmie! You magnificent bastard! For four years, there is peace as average Americans forget that the far-off islands were ever part of the States. But in 2007, in a lightning sneak attack, battleships seized from U.S. naval bases in Hawaii and manned by Korean troops arrive on America's Pacific coast and launch a full-scale ground invasion. Two million Korean fighters overrun America and within three weeks, Korea occupies the United States all the way to the Rockies. Another cease-fire is declared, this one establishing a border at the Rockies dividing West America -- occupied by Korea -- from East America. California, Oregon, Washington and the rest of the West are divided into 12 provinces of the Korean Empire, each ruled by a warlord. This might be worth seeing. Let's see how San Francisco adapts to a real "People's Republic". The new "native Americans" are forced to speak Korean and will "enjoy benefits of the communist system," according to the plan. Dissidents are to be put on reservations similar to those that house Indians today, but harsher. But even that doesn't satisfy Kim Jong Il's insatiable lust for power. "The economy of Eastern America is to be systematically undermined, until it is as weak as possible. Meanwhile, a breeding campaign maximizes the population of Western America," according to the plan. Within 18 years, a final attack is launched in which invaders pour down from the Rockies and "unite East and West America under the rule of the Korean empire." ...we're all doomed! |
| Posted by:tu3031 |
| #8 Ambitious. We'd never cede Hawaii. But if he started in NYC, -which we'd probably GIVE him, before they completely undo Guiliani's work... |
| Posted by: Scott 2003-05-17 01:11:27 |
| #7 Terrified innocents fleeing in junks from Korea to Hawaii. Yep, I can see that. Terrified but precise navigators. |
| Posted by: Steve White 2003-05-17 00:33:13 |
| #6 Aaagh! Koreans! Run away! Run Away! |
| Posted by: Anonymous 2003-05-17 00:20:19 |
| #5 Orange Juche from Florida. |
| Posted by: Brian 2003-05-17 00:19:14 |
| #4 Oooooooookay... well, here's hoping that doesn't happen. Just in case, though, every Hawaiian getaway package should come with a free gun. How far is it from Korea to Hawaii? |
| Posted by: Just John 2003-05-16 23:25:37 |
| #3 Couple of submarines with congressional guests should take care of the junk armada. |
| Posted by: john 2003-05-16 21:41:19 |
| #2 I think they're the one's that were left behind after the filming for "Pearl Harbor" wrapped. I'll bet Alec Baldwin told the NK's where to find them, the traitor! |
| Posted by: tu3031 2003-05-16 21:24:32 |
| #1 And then we all get white slag and live happily ever after. But where are the battleships? |
| Posted by: Alaska Paul 2003-05-16 21:11:29 |